To paraphrase Irvin Yalom, one of my favorite psychotherapy theorists, death is a part of life that often gives meaning and purpose to those living in unexpected ways (Yalom, 1980). Death is inevitable and pervasive. Our encounters with our mortality and the mortality of others shift, warp, and broaden our perspective. Whether the death is sudden or part of the natural cycle of life, the experience profoundly shapes the rest of our existence.
Grief is both an emotion and a process. When we lose someone close to us, the emotional and physical toll can be overwhelming. Although no two experiences of grief are identical, there are common threads between us. Grief is not a linear process, nor does it have a definitive end. It’s a complex, often contradictory journey that can challenge the sense of self, relationships, and worldview. While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to grief, there are strategies and insights that can help individuals process their emotions and eventually find a way to live with their loss.
What is Grief?
Grief is the natural response to loss, particularly the death of someone close. It’s an emotional suffering that encompasses sadness, anger, confusion, and guilt. But grief is not just an emotion—it can manifest physically, mentally, and spiritually. People might experience fatigue, insomnia, loss of appetite, or physical aches and pains. Mental fog, difficulty concentrating, and forgetfulness are also common.
It's essential to recognize that grief is not confined to the early stages of mourning. It can strike unexpectedly, even years after the loss, in waves triggered by memories, anniversaries, or other life events. What makes grief challenging is its unpredictability and profound impact on a person’s life, identity, and sense of meaning.
One analogy I use with clients is grief is like a beach. One day, the beach may be calm as the waves of grief gently lap at the white sands, reminding us of happy, gentle memories. The next day may usher in weeks of aggressive waves with an intense undertow threatening to drag us under if we can’t find a way to swim parallel to the shore. Then, the next few days we are back to the gentle lapping of pristine late summer beach days. Next, suddenly, it’s hurricane season, and a tsunami looms. And yet, no matter the intensity of the waves of grief, the beach remains. The tides of grief wax and wane but learning to accept and cope with the waves is our main task.
The Stages of Grief: A Framework for Understanding
One of the most well-known models for understanding grief comes from psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who introduced the 'Five Stages of Grief' in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. These stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are often thought of as sequential. However, it’s important to note that they don’t occur in a neat, orderly progression. People may experience some stages more intensely than others, or they may skip stages altogether. Additionally, they might cycle through these stages multiple times before they reach a sense of resolution or peace.
- Denial: In the face of a significant loss, denial is a defense mechanism that helps people cope with the shock. It can feel like the world has been altered irreversibly, and denial provides a temporary emotional respite.
- Anger: Once the reality of the loss sets in, feelings of anger are common. The person may feel anger toward themselves, the person who died, others involved in the situation, or even God or fate.
- Bargaining: In this stage, the grieving person may try to make deals or promises, often to undo or reverse the loss. This stage can involve thoughts like, “If only I had done this differently…” or “I would give anything to have one more day with them.”
- Depression: This stage is marked by deep sadness and emotional pain. Feelings of despair, loneliness, and hopelessness are common. The person may withdraw from social situations, struggle to find joy in life, and experience symptoms like clinical depression.
- Acceptance: Acceptance doesn’t mean that the person is “okay” with the loss, but rather that they’ve come to terms with it.
Counseling Approaches for Grief
As a counselor, my primary goal is to create a safe, nonjudgmental space where individuals can express their feelings and process their grief in their own way. While there’s no one correct way to grieve, there are therapeutic approaches that can help individuals navigate their feelings and move toward healing. Some of these approaches include:
- Listening with Compassion
- Normalizing Grief
- Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques
- Creating Meaning and Finding Purpose
Self-Care for Grieving Individuals
While counseling can provide much-needed support, it’s also essential for individuals to practice self-care during the grieving process. Grief takes a toll on both the body and the mind, and taking care of oneself is critical for recovery. Some self-care practices that can be helpful include:
- Rest and Nutrition: Grieving can be exhausting, both emotionally and physically. Prioritizing sleep, hydration, and nourishing food can provide the energy needed to navigate the emotional work of grief..
- Exercise: Physical activity can boost mood, reduce stress, and provide a sense of accomplishment. Even a short daily walk can have significant benefits for someone who is grieving.
- Journaling: Writing can be an outlet for the complex emotions that arise during grief. Whether it’s writing letters to the deceased, reflecting on the loss, or simply recording feelings as they arise, journaling can help people process their grief more fully.
- Connecting with Support Networks: Grief can feel isolating, but social support is a crucial component of healing. Friends, family, and support groups can offer a sense of connection, understanding, and comfort. It’s important to lean on others during this time, even if it feels difficult.
Grief is an intensely personal journey, and each person’s experience will look different. As a mental health counselor, my role is to help individuals navigate this emotional terrain with compassion, understanding, and practical strategies. Grief can be a long and winding road, but it is not a journey that needs to be walked alone. By providing a safe space for expression, offering therapeutic techniques, and encouraging self-care, counselors can support individuals in finding a path toward healing. And most importantly, we can remind those in grief that their experience—no matter
Citation:
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. New York, The Macmillan Company.
Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books.
