I find this to be the most conflicting time of year. Please understand, I adore Christmas: the lights, the joy on my children’s faces over baking together, the love my husband has for Christmas music starting in November. I could relish in it all day long. Parts of me are so utterly fulfilled by this season in ways that no other time of year can match. Then there is the flip side. The other side of the spectrum that I see all too often during the holiday season when I set foot in my office and sit in my chair and begin a day of listening to my clients’ reflections. My weekend of baking gingerbread cookies and dancing to Frosty the Snowman with my tiny humans melts away a bit into the background a different picture emerges.
Most people understand that the winter season can bring about complex emotions. Even our past blogs recently have highlighted seasonal effectiveness disorder (SAD- otherwise referred to as “winter blues”), stress around creating a “perfect” season for family, and anxiety that comes with the change of routine. All of these things, and more, make up the holiday season. To my original point, there is a greater conflict that this. This time of year can bring up sadness, regret, and shame to all new levels. I have witnessed this particularly be the case when there has been a loss of some sort. Many step foot into therapy expressing the same thought, “Well, Christmas is just not the same since Mom died.” Or “We do not celebrate the holiday like we used to when my brother was alive”. These statements, as common as they may be, immediately grab my attention as a professional listener- aka therapist. Ordinary grief can be complex and debilitating, while in its truest sense, is actually healthy and necessary. It is one of the most universal (albeit challenging) experiences. With ordinary grief, the world around us feels more dim and less “valuable” due to the loss of our person. Grief comes in waves of pain and sadness and as we move forward coping in healthy ways, the grieving person eventually can integrate positive memories and recollections- even laughter- into the grieving experience. Clinical depression takes a bit of a different form. Famous psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, was one of the first individuals to introduce the differences between depression and grief. Depression is a more internal experience where the loss feels within the self rather than in the external world; almost as if I have lost a piece of me or a part of me is permanently damaged. Depression, unlike grief, has a longer duration and in its clinical form is relentless to where functioning is severely impacted. The individual going through grief can drive to go get a cup of coffee and groceries on a Saturday and have a breakdown in the parking lot, wipe away their tears, and go inside and perhaps even interact with a person or two whereas the individual experiencing clinical depression presents as the opposite of mourning. The cognitive, affective, imaginative, and sensory processes that are impacted by clinical depression are so debilitating that even imagining going to the grocery store feels “too much”.
Of course, there is a spectrum here as well. A grief and depression spectrum. In my clinical work, if someone is presenting with grief that is becoming increasingly hard to manage, we will integrate discussions on coping that resemble depression management. Depression on the “lighter” end of the spectrum appears as a high functioning individual who despite the challenges and traumas they have experienced, they can mask and appear to look “fine” yet are still experiencing imbalance in themselves. Whichever you may feel you fall into, take note of your internal dialogue- aka how you talk to yourself. A therapeutic goal to work towards is to begin practices that help shift your depression or grieving experience from an “introjective” to an “acaclitic” version. Fancy, old words that really just mean we want to shift depressive mental statements like “I am evil, I am not good enough” to “I feel empty and lonely and want connection”. While this shift in thinking may seem subtle and anticlimactic, it can actually provide a lot of space of growing, healing, and connection. Those three features are very important when experiencing grief and/ or depression- allowing you to be more than just a “depressed person” or a “grieving person” by claiming your feelings and identifying needs versus just sitting in the labels. Creating balance in our thoughts and wellness practices is crucial.
Wherever you may fall on this spectrum or if you have loved ones that do that you are noticing this holiday season, take time to model and share those strong feelings while providing space to move forward- identifying a need of connection and planning ways on meeting it. It does not have to look like how culture may encourage- with large parties and late nights chatting with all the people. Remember, it can look like a few tears in a parking lot, a deep breath, and allowing yourself the experience to walk into the grocery store to gift yourself an opportunity of connection. You absolutely deserve it.
