You wake up on time, and begin your morning routine. Everything is going fine, until you realize you’re out of toothpaste. Oh well, you make do and move on. But when you get in your car, you see that you’re almost on empty. You forgot to fill up your gas yesterday, and the car ride consists of you begging your vehicle to make it to work. You get into your office, a little flustered, but otherwise okay. You mostly forget about your morning until an argument starts with a coworker. What began as a civil debate has suddenly become a source of supreme stress. You feel your heart rate pick up and your head start pounding. You’ve been pushed out of your window of tolerance.
A window of tolerance is something that we all have. The way I like to describe it is the range we operate in when we feel like we can function. We may be facing stress or pressure, but it doesn’t prevent us from living. When we are in our window of tolerance, we feel most like ourselves. Our windows are characterized by a top and bottom end. Outside of our windows to the top, is increased energy. We feel our senses and emotions ramp up, and we lash out or shout. Everything within us feels like it needs to be expressed outwardly. In this state, we are no longer making decisions or responding, but instead reacting. Likewise, we trade our ability to respond for reacting outside the bottom of our window. However, this area is marked by shutting down. Our energy goes farther inwards, and we withdraw from interactions, and even ourselves.
While the window functions the same for everyone, we experience our windows differently. Maybe the original example of losing your temper at work does not apply to you. Perhaps in the same situation, you would freeze and feel more numb than angry. Maybe you would blow up, but only after several days of the same issues coming up. Or, maybe the toothpaste being out would be enough to push you out of your window. The window of tolerance always consists of feeling in control of yourself, able to make decisions, and capable of experiencing life fully. However, the width of your window may differ from someone else’s. There is no right or wrong about what you experience, and it can be very helpful for us to grow our awareness of our own window. Taking note of things like what causes us to get out of our window, whether we amp up or shut down with certain people, and noting how we feel while in our window can all contribute to us managing our lives more effectively.
There are a lot of different factors that contribute to how big our window is, and how difficult it is to get in and out of. Some of the most extreme examples would be stress and trauma. When we feel overwhelmed, our window shrinks. If you have been overwhelmed for a long time, it can even be difficult to identify your window of tolerance. However, our windows aren’t like the glass ones you see on houses. Even if our windows feel jammed, or broken, there is still hope that we can become better at locating and operating within our window. If that sounds difficult, don’t worry. Just know that it’s normal to struggle if you have dealt with a lot, and practice is possible.
Practicing things like identifying our window, getting back into it when stressed, and grounding ourselves are immensely helpful. There are things we can do such as walking away from stressors when possible, or practicing mindful breathing that will contribute to a wider window. However, some of the best practice we can do involves knowing yourself and your window. If you know you tend to favor leaving the window towards the top, grounding techniques should focus more on calming you down. If you know interacting with a certain family member causes you to lose your temper, you can prepare for that. Having a plan in place to calm yourself down through music, talking to someone else, or viewing something peaceful can help. If the opposite is what you trend towards (speaking from personal experience), then having something to pick yourself up is great when feeling stressed. Things like tasting a mint, exercising, or choosing to engage with someone else are great options. We can rely on techniques that ground us through our five senses, healthy and thoughtful interactions, and personal mindfulness in order to widen and maintain our windows.
This concept may be new or odd to you, and that’s okay. It takes getting used to. As do the different practices. But, when things outside of our control are diminishing our peace and capacity to live the way we wish to, we CAN stabilize ourselves. We may not be able to control certain life events, but we CAN try to take good care of our bodies and minds. We can’t choose what other people do or say to us, but we CAN make decisions about how much time we spend with certain people. Our window does not transform overnight, but as we practice to widen it mindfully, we are more capable. So don’t just look through your window, live through it.
