Leo Tolstoy once wrote, 'Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Those who come from dysfunctional families will understand this quote on a visceral level and, as a counselor, I see it almost every day. How our family members interact with each other and us is highly dependent on the specific family system. I’m sure you can think of the uncle who has made you uncomfortable every year since puberty, the grandmother who demands absolute devolution, the mother who expects nothing less than perfection, or the sibling who must be the center of attention. As someone whose childhood pastime was dissecting my and other people’s family systems, I could spend the entirety of this blog post discussing the interplay of social and familial dynamics that contribute to each of these people’s roles within the system. However, at this time, it may be far more important to understand what can be done in these situations.
The holidays are a time of celebrations, joy, and the people we love. It is also a time of stress, significant planning, and high expectations. Oftentimes fear of other people’s responses or “ruining” the holiday interferes with people’s ability to enjoy the, supposed, “happiest time of the year.” This leaves us with the question – What can be done? First and foremost, my suggestions are not the be-all and end-all of advice, but rather a myriad of possibilities. Take what works for you and leave the rest.
For those of you who wish to maintain ties to your family, try setting boundaries from the beginning of the event in question. For example, this may look like telling your mother-in-law that you will only be staying two hours at the family dinner before you plan to return home or that you only wish to have visitors on New Year’s Eve until 9:00 PM. Hold firm. Remember boundaries are for you and you are not responsible for other’s feelings about them. Avoidance of specific situations and family members is also a valid choice during this season. You can love your family and not interact with that one uncle. If you do have to interact, keep it surface-level and plan a couple of safe topics.
For those of you who cannot maintain ties to your family, for whatever reason. This is also a valid response. First, please, have compassion with yourself. We cannot control how other people choose to treat us, but we can choose to treat ourselves better. Perspective matters. Focus on what is in your control. We cannot always change people’s minds, but we can choose to create new traditions. Be creative. Order Chinese food instead of eating that dry turkey you didn’t like anyway. Watch Gossip Girl for the 101st time because it’s your favorite show. Leave the Christmas lights up until January. Write wishes for the new year and hang them on your tree. Have a dance party with your kids. Call your best friend and vent about the season. The magic of the holiday season does not come from people who treat us as less than or from corporate America. It comes from a willingness to make that magic for ourselves.
If all else fails, we will be here for you. We will listen to that argument you got into with your aunt or how your grandfather still confuses you with your brother even after twenty years because that is what therapists are for – to listen when no one else will.
