The great Tennessee Williams once said, 'We endure by enduring'. A way I interpret this as a therapist is simply that we survive because we just do. Indeed, Mr. Williams said it a bit more poetically in his flowing prose and intelligence insight that makes it feel he is reciting an esteemed work of his. However, I do believe this idea can be broken down to simple and not so simple things everyday folks can experience. Let's explore how this can relate to problems we see every day.
There are 3 types of problems that therapist experience during therapy with clients. Do not worry, none of these are ground breaking or earth shattering. In fact, as I type this I think about the applicability to other facets of my life these factors fall into. Personal, socially, familially… it seems that there is a generalizability to them. Let’s talk about them.
- Solvable- these ones make me feel like the best therapist ever! When in actuality, when I am working with someone who is coming to therapy with what appears to be a “solvable” problem, I already am thinking about how much inner work and growth they have done prior to stepping foot in my office. These individuals simply need support, encouragement, and consistent check ins. Examples of a solvable problem include when someone wants to deepen their relationship with their partner or learn some new parenting skills to help their children regulate more. Any time someone presents to therapy with wanting to improve an aspect of their life, I know are much more ahead than they may think they are. This idea mirrors one of the major tenets in Dialectical and Behavioral Theory, that all people desire to keep moving forward and improving no matter what the circumstance. They just need a supportive inner and external environment in order to do so.
- Sophisticated solutions- these challenges present a bit funkier. It can look like a couple who wants to re define roles and support at home or an individual who wants to start couples therapy, but their partner is unwilling to do so. These experiences are certainly not a “one size fits all” narrative and should be approached flexibly by therapist and client. In my personal life, these seem to be one of the most common ones I can experience. Nothing too big but certainly something that can keep me awake at night. As a business owner and parent, there is always something to process and think about. However, I do know that just because something may require a sophisticated solution does not mean it requires my worry or anxiety. I too am still learning the balance!
- Simply not solvable- these are the few but impactful experiences we reflect on that can still great a visceral response in us. The impact age has on our parents and how we process that along with the brokenness that appears in some families after a medical trauma… these experiences are certainly not solvable by the person experiencing them let alone the therapist that may be working with them. This is where R.D Laig, a renowned psychiatrist working with those living with schizophrenia, highlighted the importance of the mental health practitioner to become a “fellow traveler” with the patient. I want to sit a bit further with this thought.
What does it mean to be a “fellow traveler” with someone experiencing such great suffering?
This topic is a crucial one. As a professor and supervisor this is also something I echo to beginning therapists when I hear their reasons for wanting to enter the field. Most of us enter wanting to help and make a difference. Many helpers, especially in the beginning years, can feel discouraged and anxious when they encounter a “no solution” problem. If you feel this way, imagine the client! For years and years therapists have explored and researched information on the therapeutic relationship. The ability to truly sit and hold space with someone grieving the loss of a marriage, a loved one, or their identity. Although non solvable problems present across the board, I do find that the foundation of “being” (a concept first explored by Carl Jung)- stays the same no matter what the context. Grieving with someone is an honor, no matter what context. Being a fellow traveler means that you do not know what the weather will look or how rough the terrain might be, you simply lace up your boots and try to keep one foot in front of the other. As an endurance athlete too I like this image. We know on long runs or when the heat is HEATING (its June in Georgia, people, we are all suffering to a degree, that our pace slows down. It becomes more important to stay healthy to finish the race than to over doe it and potentially really hurt your body.
It goes against our instincts at time to acknowledge our limitations. Oftentimes we internalize that and feel that it is a personal failure rather than a human experience and condition. Take time today to reflect on your life, your problems, and who is and can be your fellow traveler. You deserve it.