I asked a friend the other day, “Do people just not have conversations about their emotions and feelings with their friends or partners??” They looked at me and sort of laughed and said that no, it almost never happens really.
Do not get me wrong, I know I live in the therapy world of always talking about thoughts and feelings. It is easy for me to forget that there was once a time when even I paid little attention to what was going on behind to the scenes. Nevertheless, I guess it was always within my own disposition to think about what others are experiencing and how they interpret life. Interestingly, from an early age I valued relationships and always craved to share my own thoughts with those closest to me while also asking about their thoughts. No, I did not come out of the womb wanting to be a therapist. Rather, I always had an inclination towards understanding and questioning the way the people think and what they do. When I started being in romantic relationships this became even more… interesting. I say all the time now, thank goodness I do what I do and can see others perspectives and opinions on a day to day rather than be trapped in my own thinking.
It is funny now. When friends or peers discover that I am a therapist there are always humorous assumptions along with the initial surprise. At the gym for instance, I made a friend and they asked what I did. For some reason rather than saying I am in graduate school (as I usually say) I told them I was a therapist. They became wide eyed and stated “wow, you don’t LOOK like a therapist!” And thank goodness for that. I was 25 minutes into the stair master and barely resembled a human at that point. The conversation continued and this person went on to state I must have it all “figured out” and could play “all the mind games” to make my relationships amazing. I smiled and vaguely disagreed (I was too winded to have much of a conversation!) After this experience I reflected on this encounter. No, it would be cool if I had the skill to “manipulate” or play those mind games. But honestly, as therapists, that is not what we do at all. We sit with people in their pain and frustration; but also in their joy and celebration. We especially work with people going through relationship challenges. I started thinking about this along with my gym-friend conversation.
How easy it is to think that a therapist holds all the answers. Maybe I should not say this as I am still trying to build a client case load… but we most definitely do not. However, we do have one special skill. It is not super fancy or intriguing, but for me, it has changed my life. Sitting with those same people in my office has taught me to learn how more effectively communicate my thoughts and feelings too. Talking about emotions is NOT easy. For some reason, even though we are introduced this idea at a young age, many of us never quite grasp it. This is one of the major reasons therapy can be so so good.
What you think and feel matter. Your ideas and perspectives are important. Your thoughts and emotions are valid, and although they may not always be true, they deserve recognition. This is of special importance in our relationships and friendships with others. It sounds elementary, but it is by no means easy. When we meet “Mr. or Mrs. right” or maybe just “Mr. or Mrs right now” (Whatever floats your boat!) it is so easy to put ourselves on the backburner to prioritize them or place them ahead of our own needs. It is common, and 100% of the time this creates internal or relationship conflict down the road. It is actually pretty inevitable that when we do not take care of ourselves, we suffer in the long run. Sharing our experience is important part to taking care of ourselves.
All too often we try to hold it in. We try to keep our emotions in check and squelch any negative thought or challenging feeling. We try to be that person we think our partner wants. When really, we are just greatly damaging ourselves. Acknowledging emotions your partner brings up within you it NOT a sign of weakness. Nor does it mean your relationship is a failure. I actually argue that if you do not acknowledge this that is more apt to be a negative reflection on your relationship.
Telling your partner that you feel lonely or that you are struggling with jealousy or you need some more personal time does not have to end in a huge fight. Whatever feeling you are having towards your partner can be expressed in a safe and effective way. Again, as therapists we do not have a crystal ball on the magical things to do or say… we are just really good at communicating thoughts and feelings and helping others learn to communicate thoughts and feelings. But, learning how to communicate your thoughts and feelings is a skill. It is actually a sign of emotional intelligence to do so. It will not happen overnight so be kind to yourself as you start this process. And if it is maybe too challenging to do alone, make a therapy appointment. You are worth it & you will thank me later!
