When you hear the word 'resistance,' you might think of athletic training. Perhaps an image of electrical circuits or harsh wind comes to mind. For those of you who are parents, maybe it’s your child fighting tooth and nail against whatever it is you’re trying to get them to do. While resistance takes many forms, the most significant kind is the one we embody in our own lives. This manifests in countless ways and is true for everyone. People are professional 'resistors.' We get used to doing things a certain way at work and refuse to take advice on new or better methods. We know we should finish that project we've had for weeks, yet we find new reasons to put it off every day. Or, as soon as we commit to doing the hard thing, we get hit with a terrible headache. Whether through mind, body, or soul, people have found ways to resist change for all of human history.
While this is a tale as old as time, I’ve come to realize something: when it comes to therapy, resistance becomes just as controversial a topic as religion or politics! Despite being a normal and common aspect of life, resistance often becomes invisible to the client in counseling. Likewise, a young therapist’s instinct might convince them that discussing resistance is taboo. In therapy, we often avoid our avoidance and refuse to talk about what we refuse to talk about. The easiest path forward is to resist the idea of resistance. But, as many of you know, the easiest path is not always the best one. This is why addressing resistance in therapy is so important.
That conclusion is by no means groundbreaking; therapists have been discussing resistance for a long time. This is evident in the many theoretical perspectives on the topic. For example, the psychoanalytic view sees resistance as an unconscious defense mechanism designed to avoid uncomfortable thoughts or emotions. A cognitive behavioralist might attribute resistance to faulty or maladaptive thought patterns and beliefs that keep a client stuck. In person-centered therapy, resistance may indicate that the therapeutic relationship and environment haven’t been made safe enough for the client to feel prepared to address certain topics. Other theories see resistance as a natural part of the healing process, a means of self-protection, or simply another obstacle to overcome. These perspectives, of course, are only brief examples, and each therapist must develop their own understanding of what fuels resistance and what purpose it serves.
Not only are there many theories about resistance, but it also takes many forms in therapy. Clients may show resistance by arriving late (or not at all), avoiding certain topics, or minimizing their experiences by saying things like, 'I’m fine' or 'It’s not a big deal.' Some may feel physically ill when certain topics or sessions arise, or they might communicate less and less with their therapist. Now, what you’ve all been waiting for—we must also discuss how therapists contribute to resistance (yes, we’re human too). Therapists may resist adopting a different approach, avoid certain topics during processing, or struggle to enthusiastically market their services to prospective clients. However, it manifests, resistance is no stranger to the counseling process.
With all these perspectives and examples in mind, I’d love to share one of my favorite views on resistance. As a therapist who practices Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), it’s no surprise that one of the theories that resonates most with me comes from this approach. In DBT, resistance is often associated with willfulness—the opposite of willingness. When someone is willful, they insist on doing things the same way, remaining closed off to alternative possibilities. In therapy, both clients and therapists can become too fixated on a particular way of doing things or refuse to try something that makes them uncomfortable. Practicing willingness, however, means opening ourselves up to the need for change and embracing the idea that there are different paths to achieving it. It might seem counterintuitive to preach acceptance when the goal is change, but it actually makes perfect sense. Resistance typically stems from valid sources—fear, uncertainty, lack of confidence, discomfort, past patterns, and more. But when we try to control every piece of the puzzle, we become least equipped to foster change. This is true for both clients and therapists. When we accept reality as it is, we create the opportunity to change, heal, and grow.
Before tying these ideas to resistance, it’s important to clarify what acceptance isn’t. Acceptance doesn’t mean approving of or liking your current situation. It doesn’t mean considering it unchangeable. It simply means acknowledging reality. Sometimes, the reality is that we aren’t ready to change right away or that change feels too risky to begin immediately. But just like a flat tire, nothing will change until we recognize that it’s flat. We may not have the tools to fix it right away, or we may not be in a safe place to change it, but denying its existence won’t help us move forward.
As I integrate these ideas with my understanding of resistance, I want to share three key thoughts:
- Rome wasn’t built in a day. Change doesn’t happen all at once, so don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Yes, we need to challenge ourselves and push against complacency, but positive change is a step-by-step process. If you’re only ready to start small, remind yourself that no positive change is too small. Keep building toward your goals, and don’t discount what you can accomplish just because you’re not addressing everything immediately.
- Resistance is normal. We must accept this fact, especially in therapy. Our job is not to pathologize, criticize, or deny the reality of resistance. It’s natural to feel ashamed of resistance or to believe something is wrong with us when we experience it. But the truth is, everyone faces resistance—it’s simply part of the human experience. It doesn’t define you, nor is it inherently bad; it’s just part of the journey forward.
- We need to understand our resistance. If we are in denial, being willful, or lacking intention, we cannot fully recognize our resistance. By shifting into a more mindful way of thinking, we increase our awareness and accept resistance without judgment. This heightened awareness allows us to explore more possibilities and continue progressing toward the changes we want to see in our lives.
Resistance isn’t wrong or irrational—it’s a part of life. As we navigate challenges in the world, in the therapy room, and within ourselves, we can strive to become more curious, more accepting, and allow change to happen at a pace that feels right for us.
