I recently had a coffee date with an old friend of mine from my master’s program. We laughed as we reflected on the shared experiences of internship and the unique demands of “speed graduating” – a thing I feel that is only fully understood by those of us in our last semester of our master’s degree when the pandemic hit… talk about an oddly isolating end to such a significant chapter in our lives. Catching up with this friend years after graduation, many things have grown. We have grown in our professional identities. We have grown through our personal journeys. Our families have grown and keep growing too. We both are starting private practices and journeying through motherhood. An experience not for the faint of heart and certainly inspired by copious amounts of coffee. As we sat, we both took advantage of our much too brief time together, sharing our experiences over the past years: trials and the wins. There was one thing reflected in our conversation that was inspirational for me that my friend mentioned. Discussing the physical demands of motherhood mixed in with societal pressures to “be granola”, we shared the challenges associated with breastfeeding and maintaining body autonomy in those first early years of being a mom . I found solace in my friendship to express my challenges doing so and felt affirmed as we co-signed on the shared feared stimulus on the “monster in our closets” being the breast pump. As we parted ways to go back to our day jobs (& night, because being a working mother your job never ends!), I was filled with inspiration and satisfaction that only a result from meaningful times with a friend. Reflecting on our conversation, that “monster in our closet” was once something triggering and associated with failure and fear to both of us. Something happened through time that allowed us now to sit in a coffee shop together, laughing over the collective struggle.
Giving space to not just identify that monster, but address it head on by calling it out gave us strength. Furthermore, finding connection with one another through vulnerability offered a special means of affirmation. Applicable to more than just the motherhood experience, when we can share and open up about the challenging parts of life that we feel are “expected of us”, we give space for communal healing. All too often, we try to go through our healing journey alone. Why? In those seasons I feel less than. Rejected. Unworthy. I want the world to see my light, not my pain. However, when we isolate those parts of us and fake feeling normal (or express what I call “high functioning depression”), it puts us at risk of incongruency in self. My PhD is in thoughts and feelings and NOT math; however, here is the formula that I have concocted:
(Incongruency in self) + (isolation habits) = Negative Self Concept
Allow me to elaborate as I have never been one for brevity (both a positive thing for my dissertation journey and negative for my relationship with my partner), If I am sitting with myself in a “isolation chamber” – AKA my room/ house/ couch for EXTENDED amounts of time, and it is only there that I am being and feeling my “truest” self, then that has causal for creating an identify of self and personality that says, “You are not your true self when you are outside of this house, better stay here”. The more we listen to that depressive voice, the easier it becomes to dissociate and the harder it becomes to self-engage in healthy ways. I have learned that the more isolation occurs, the view of self becomes increasingly unhealthy. This is especially prevalent among those of us who can have depressive related experiences.
Depression and related mental health challenges sUcK! It feels like it limits us from being our most fulfilled self and most present self. If I am coping with the thought to “just fake it till I make it” and have no other means of processing, more than likely overtime I am going to distance myself from key areas of life because how I feel is not being matched or addressed with my thoughts or actions. This incongruency can be the cause of a lot of our mental distress and anguish. A reason therapy can be so effective is that we cultivate a space to go to share the feelings and thoughts, sit with them safely, and then figure out an appropriate way to act in response. As your therapist, I am not afraid of that monster in your closet. I do not find it intimidating or something to be ashamed of, whatever it might be. Whether it resulted from motherhood experiences, childhood trauma, or challenges in the present… take time to safely identify yours so you can create the safety and security you deserve. And maybe, just maybe, show that monster in the closet that you get to decide how and when to connect with others.
