1 in 3 women experience some form of domestic violence in their lifetime.
1 in 7 men also experience some form of domestic violence in their lifetime.

For women, this means that according to statistics, that the likelihood of myself or one of my two daughters experiencing some sort of intimate partner violence (IPV) at some time is significantly high. These statistics make me shutter. I do not know about you, but I cherish the woman in my life and am astounded by this statistic.

A common misconception about domestic violence (DV) is that it solely presents physical. An individual must have bruises or markings in order to claim that they are a victim on DV. While physical abuse is a characteristic of DV, it is certainly not the only way DV or IPV can manifest. Types of abuse include:

  • Control
  • Physical Abuse
  • Sexual Abuse
  • Emotional Abuse & Intimidation
  • Isolation
  • Verbal Abuse through coercion, threats, and blame
  • Economic/ Financial abuse

Experiencing abuse oftentimes leaves the victim feeling shameful and responsible for the way they are being treated. It is not uncommon for the victim to believe that they are deserving of the abuse. From a cognitive perspective, this is understandable because as humans we have an innate nature to survive and if someone is living in a prolonged state of abuse, a way to cope with the intense feeling of suffering is to internalize the responsibility of it. However, this innate survival mechanism can wear out and 'short fuse'. We most often refer to this as a stress response, commonly called fight or flight response, which has also been added too after research on the different ways people can respond in a traumatic situation. We now know that some people fight when feeling triggered, others flee from the trigger, others freeze and dissociate, and a select few choose to appease their abuser with hopes of surviving the impossible moment of abuse. In short, we refer to the stress response in short as fight or flight. The fight or flight serves a purpose, but it not meant to serve us for life or for long term. When people reach the point of coping via appeasing the abuser, especially with in a DV or IPV experience, it can become quite dangerous mentally and physically to the victim. Physically, the energy reserves are used up towards the abuser, leaving little to no care of self while mentally, the pressure to maintain a sense of neutrality in suffering becomes impossible to maintain. The cracks in the self become increasingly deeper and can result in a complete loss of identity and purpose. The sole purpose becomes to survive and that perpetuates the negative feedback look of appeasing the abuser in hopes of survival, experiencing violence in some way again, degrading the self and internalizing the abuse, back to appeasing the abuser in hopes of feeling whole again.

As a therapist, we work with individuals in defining who the self is apart from the abuse. This is one of the first steps before creating a safety plan or exit strategy, both of which are integral in healing from IPV or DV experiences. Creating a sense of self centers on creating space for the old self to emerge, speak up, and become aquatinted with reality. Reality for the victim of DV or IPV is something that has been unkind and painful. A goal of therapy at the beginning stages of working with the victim of DV or IPV should center on gentle mindfullness on being in the moment and attending to those feelings, instead of rushing into the specifics of the abuse.

One consistent feature of coping with DV or IPV is based on time. For some, it takes time to create that sense of self (really, just rediscovering it), trust with the therapist, and desire to even think about creating a safety plan. It is not something that happens in one therapy session, another common misconception. In therapy, our goal is not to convince someone to leave their partner. Rather, it is to always promote safety, security, and assist the client in finding ways to do so outside of session. As an attachment-based therapist, it takes time, patience, and understanding in order to do so. As a fellow woman who has known way too many people go through this, I grieve with you. Just because we may grieve together does not mean we are quitting. On the contrary, it means we are processing our trauma, another key step towards healing from DV and IPV.

Whatever experience you may identify more with, especially if you have or are currently experiencing some form of abuse, please no you are not alone. You can always reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If you can or choose to make a therapy appointment, please know how you present is always enough, as you are always enough.